Permission to Thaw

I wanted your permission to thaw, after years of being
numbed by endless cold stare and icy words.

With eyes toward the sun that I saw as your spirit
I gave you the power to warm my soul
But never fully ran without your encouragement
At least not out of earshot

The universe gave me you as a guide
When I sought to be vulnerable.
But spirit has a funny way of hiding the truth
Until we find it ourself

For you could only warm me from outside
And the fire I needed to thaw had to burn from within
Fueled by finally opening to my deepest fears
Truths, I’d been unable and unwilling to face
Truths that finally gave me permission to thaw

Awaken

carry me softly into the night
to awaken in dreams of silver
and golden deliciousness

escape is freeing for my mind and soul
from bonds I feel but are still unfamiliar
foreign and uncomfortable
but with no good reason I do not pull against them

keep my space
guard it
as I would keep yours for you

I will transition from here forward
with good intention and knowing
or may be just believing
that tomorrow will hold my space

I embrace this second, this moment
to live and be alive
to act and take action
to falter

I forget, forgive, I love now and through
till near dawn
when I seek to be reborn

to awaken from dreams
and begin anew

Beyond

I am beyond fabulous (and you know how it stretches me to say so)
I am capable of achieving multiple dreams
I breathe in the acceptance of life - a life of allowing and abundance,
One I know that is waiting for me on the other side of my wall of resistance.
To capture this life, to seek it out and rope it in, is too aggressive.
I allow the dream to overtake and wash over me
To take me by surprise
To overwhelm me...
I drink it in slowly, the warmth and sweetness, savoring all the gifts it has to offer.
That is slower, better, more seductive
This will feed and fertilize the seeds that are waiting to be nourished
The seeds of my soul
...they are mine to care for, mine to nurture
The mustard seed is small yet grows to fill, to fulfill its destiny
and so can I
so will I
allow, go beyond

No More

I wandered the rocky shore
And looked for you
Among the scattered, lifeless remains
of dreams left to decay
Under the grey, heavy sky
that pressed and smothered the light
No beginning, no end to what surrounded me
Because I looked for you

The old version, the expected version
The familiar and yet unknown
The one who should do or give more
The one, I know, I am no more

So I turn and walk
Away from that shore
Taking steps, climbing
New footholds. Reaching. Rising.
Above. Away.
A path I forge forward
Away from the shore,
Away from the one,
I am, no more.

Outward in Flight

Pausing, I pull myself in
My shoulders curl
My stomach sinks
I pull inward to hug myself
Without using my arms
Nothing visible
But I can feel the muscles pulling, aching
Against my spirit that longs to break free and soar
That is trying to expand her wings with joy
But doesn't know how
If only I can breathe
Deeply, openly enough
If only someone...you can see the one I'm holding back
Hold out your arms, please
Like a bird, I want to test my wings
Like a baby, I want someone to stumble to
For in spite of unsure feet, or weak wings,
I am called to stretch and take flight
Even if I don't know where I'm headed
Even if I'm fighting against it

I beat myself

I can beat myself
To the punch before
The words ever leave your mouth
I bear the blows from your words, as well as my own
And my thoughts throw darts and the pieces that are left
That my heart holds feebly as shields
With each punch I grow weaker
And yet I know that the strength is with me
And not you
For I can be the force that you can not penetrate
And that holds my head higher than you ever dreamed possible.
I can beat myself, or I can not.
With each loving thought I hold and hear I grow stronger
I can light my way
And dodge every attempt for you to douse my flame.
I am strong. I am bold.  I beat back my own punch.

I am silent

I have words
But for you I am silent
I don't dare speak
The sound that is left
Without echo on your soul

For once
It rooted in fertile ground
And drew weary time to reach
Toward the sundrentched
Unfertile barren soil

And yet still
Tomorrow's sun drew it neigh
Forevermore it grew
Aligned with my yearning
You
Evermore
Today, tomorrow...Still.