Permission to Thaw

I wanted your permission to thaw, after years of being
numbed by endless cold stare and icy words.

With eyes toward the sun that I saw as your spirit
I gave you the power to warm my soul
But never fully ran without your encouragement
At least not out of earshot

The universe gave me you as a guide
When I sought to be vulnerable.
But spirit has a funny way of hiding the truth
Until we find it ourself

For you could only warm me from outside
And the fire I needed to thaw had to burn from within
Fueled by finally opening to my deepest fears
Truths, I’d been unable and unwilling to face
Truths that finally gave me permission to thaw

Awaken

carry me softly into the night
to awaken in dreams of silver
and golden deliciousness

escape is freeing for my mind and soul
from bonds I feel but are still unfamiliar
foreign and uncomfortable
but with no good reason I do not pull against them

keep my space
guard it
as I would keep yours for you

I will transition from here forward
with good intention and knowing
or may be just believing
that tomorrow will hold my space

I embrace this second, this moment
to live and be alive
to act and take action
to falter

I forget, forgive, I love now and through
till near dawn
when I seek to be reborn

to awaken from dreams
and begin anew

Beyond

I am beyond fabulous (and you know how it stretches me to say so)
I am capable of achieving multiple dreams
I breathe in the acceptance of life - a life of allowing and abundance,
One I know that is waiting for me on the other side of my wall of resistance.
To capture this life, to seek it out and rope it in, is too aggressive.
I allow the dream to overtake and wash over me
To take me by surprise
To overwhelm me...
I drink it in slowly, the warmth and sweetness, savoring all the gifts it has to offer.
That is slower, better, more seductive
This will feed and fertilize the seeds that are waiting to be nourished
The seeds of my soul
...they are mine to care for, mine to nurture
The mustard seed is small yet grows to fill, to fulfill its destiny
and so can I
so will I
allow, go beyond

No More

I wandered the rocky shore
And looked for you
Among the scattered, lifeless remains
of dreams left to decay
Under the grey, heavy sky
that pressed and smothered the light
No beginning, no end to what surrounded me
Because I looked for you

The old version, the expected version
The familiar and yet unknown
The one who should do or give more
The one, I know, I am no more

So I turn and walk
Away from that shore
Taking steps, climbing
New footholds. Reaching. Rising.
Above. Away.
A path I forge forward
Away from the shore,
Away from the one,
I am, no more.

Outward in Flight

Pausing, I pull myself in
My shoulders curl
My stomach sinks
I pull inward to hug myself
Without using my arms
Nothing visible
But I can feel the muscles pulling, aching
Against my spirit that longs to break free and soar
That is trying to expand her wings with joy
But doesn't know how
If only I can breathe
Deeply, openly enough
If only someone...you can see the one I'm holding back
Hold out your arms, please
Like a bird, I want to test my wings
Like a baby, I want someone to stumble to
For in spite of unsure feet, or weak wings,
I am called to stretch and take flight
Even if I don't know where I'm headed
Even if I'm fighting against it

I beat myself

I can beat myself
To the punch before
The words ever leave your mouth
I bear the blows from your words, as well as my own
And my thoughts throw darts and the pieces that are left
That my heart holds feebly as shields
With each punch I grow weaker
And yet I know that the strength is with me
And not you
For I can be the force that you can not penetrate
And that holds my head higher than you ever dreamed possible.
I can beat myself, or I can not.
With each loving thought I hold and hear I grow stronger
I can light my way
And dodge every attempt for you to douse my flame.
I am strong. I am bold.  I beat back my own punch.

I am silent

I have words
But for you I am silent
I don't dare speak
The sound that is left
Without echo on your soul

For once
It rooted in fertile ground
And drew weary time to reach
Toward the sundrentched
Unfertile barren soil

And yet still
Tomorrow's sun drew it neigh
Forevermore it grew
Aligned with my yearning
You
Evermore
Today, tomorrow...Still.

Walk with your Heart

Walk with your heart
Hold it's hand, let it guide you
As you face fears you know,
But pretend away
On paths you don't dare to go
Without a friend
It will travel with you

Listen to its wisdom
It can't lie
It will be with you and not abandon you,
Unlike you may it, when it feels broken
And it's pain makes it harsh and foreign

Trust it to see the things that you don't
It will call to you.
Listen to it.  Be open.
It it will guide you
Hear what it's trying to tell you.
Trust it.

I battle demons

I battle demons
That speak
In softened voices
As though they were friends
But with
Sharp as knives prose they slice
And cut away at my foundation

They are the enemy
And yet they are me
They are afraid

As I defend against them, I give them strength
To tear at me.
For they know my deepest secrets, fears
I fight to unmask them. To sit them in the corner
where they will but wish to be a wallflower, to dance

And with a hidden heart, a sacred weapon,
I love them
For they are me, they are afraid, they long to be more

I lean

I lean
Eyes closed
Back against your chest
Finally, I exhale
With each patient breathe you rise and fall
And I fall into your rhythm
Together
Your arms encircle mine
Speechless
Your breathe against my neck
And as my fingers brush against your skin
It tingles, feels electric
Yet still and quiet
So calm, so alive, so perfect

The music through the phone
Turned up to high
To drown out the fear...

No

Its turned up in the hope
Of turning the world on its head
Or me on mine

It bangs on my ears
I turn inside
I try to connect
To the beat
Outside my reach

Its a shield keeping me from feeling
In ways I don't want
Its out of my grasp
And I try to reach
And hope I'll be pulled through
Hoping
And still no closer
It becomes a sound
beating
against deaf ears

Fall Space

I'm in a space
Where color changes are few
Feelings left out of sync with other places

Where I know the future holds changes
That are bold and bright or dull and nondescript
But of my making

The oranges of the autumn burn of time left behind
But they also whisper of renewal and promise
To shed, and grow anew, and this time in a new direction

Embrace the early dusk, it is but a season
Let it share it's breathe with you through crispness it crackles
Embrace it's sharpness and draw in the kindling

Build it, stock it
And light it's fire. Feed it generously.
With brightness ride it's flame to the next season forward

It is warmth, it is light, it is you
When we can move from leaf dropped to new tomorrow
We can fly, and float in the wind ... For there really is no fall

It's Not that I don't hear

It's not that I don't hear the words...

Before, I never believed in them
So I never knew their depth
How they'd reach down inside
Tie roots to my soul

It's that you did
You said them
And now you don't

The words that took me so long to believe, to believe in
The ones that you were the only one to say, ever
And now you don't

And they're nowhere now
May be like me
May be they were never, never were

Behind,
The veil of tears
That no longer fall
I defy
Those who's mission
It is to stab through my strength
I will NOT let you!
I am strong.
And even if it makes me unreachable,
Closed and hard
I will no longer bend
To those who wish me weak
or to fail
Not today, not for you, not ever!

Days Away

Days away

From pen to page

I shelved the work

That feeds my soul

Keeps me alive

To answer those

Who call my name

With unending tasks

And trials

To fill their needs

To ease their fears

But now on life support

I limp back

To infuse myself

With words

Once again

So I can carry on...

I hope that one day

I won't need to come and go

Or put aside my words

But let them grow 

As I stand stronger

Sustaining, maintaining

My connection

With my soul

I hold my breathe
And dare not
Break the spell
You cast
Holding
Onto your promise
Of moments
To take my breathe away

Hold Me

Hold Me
Fold me inside your arms
Near your heart
Let me bury my head
I relax.
As my breathing fals in time with yours
I grow still,
Drift away,
And dream.

When I Find

When I find
That things I used to run to
Were only better than
The nightmares I was running away from
and are now
Not sufficient to cradle my dreams
I am left with both fear and freedom
For unknown possibilities

I want your shoulder

I want your shoulder
To bury my head
A place to hide as I find shelter
From the shards of my hope
As they fly away
Threatening to cut through
And reveal my core
Where my stories are sharp
And hidden from others
I long for your shoulder
Where the pieces can fall
And you won't find discomfort
And force the pieces back
With glue and barbed wire
To fit an unknown puzzle
Where they don't fit
But instead, where you let them lie
Until they melt
Into the place they're meant to be. 

Words

The words

Would drip from my mind

And fall to the page

When I wanted you to know

Your impact, the way you make me feel

And I want you to know

That my feelings

Are no less strong.

But the words are now hard

Because for me, I am cautious

And each word

Means so much more

And each message 

Is far more important